How do you say goodbye to a deploying solider?

What do you do when someone you love is going to leave for a year? And not for a semester abroad, but to a combat zone? So that means the whole “oooh, I can come visit you” has to be scratched. And he also won’t be eating tapas all day and enjoying Brazilian nightlife…nah, his daily activities will be a little more life threatening.

He’s going to be leaving towards the end of February. But I have known he was going to leave for about six months now. When do you officially stop living day-today life, and start mentally and emotionally preparing for him to leave, by doing things that “celebrate” his leaving, like having a “last” meal there and the “last” time going there?

It is extremely frustrating to me that when I tell some people that my boyfriend is in the military, something akin to pity crosses their faces. When they ask, “will he be going to Iraq/Afghanistan?” I try to hide my contra-pity for their naivety. The ignorance that so many people still have about the U.S. military and the current situation is shocking…but I have to admit, I used to be just as naïve. I respond with as much restraint as possible, that it is pretty difficult to find someone in the military nowadays that won’t be rotating over to the Middle East or Afghanistan sooner or later.

Then comes the question: “A whole year? How are you going to handle that?” Good question…but it gives me great comfort that hundreds of thousands of mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, daughters, and sons, etc. have “handled” it before me. And why would anyone suggest that I couldn’t be as strong as them?

Even more affronting are those who ask: “Are you going to wait for him?” I mean, I almost have to laugh at that. Granted, we aren’t married, so we have nothing contractually binding us to stay together. So, in one way the question is founded, but in another way, it reflects a lot about those who ask the question. It doesn’t make sense to me, why someone would think it okay to break off a perfectly functioning relationship, just because one of the partners was going away for a set time. Basically it reduces the concept of a relationship to something based on physical presence, instead of something encompassing so much more. Also, my boyfriend is going away to perform life-threatening duties for the benefit of others. You can agree or disagree with the US involvement in Afghanistan or Iraq, but you cannot disagree with the self-sacrifice of the US soldier. How can anyone think I would want to break off a relationship with someone like that?

There are daily reminders now of his impending departure. The last-minute bureaucratic things he needs to tie up before leaving, the ever-growing pile of military issued gear in his apartment that he will be taking, and one of us starting or ending a sentence with: “when you are/I am in Afghanistan” or “get back from Afghanistan.” I have to fight my inner puppy, who wants to mope around with my tail between my legs, while he prepares. I have to respect the fact, that his position is a hundred times harder than mine. I am just losing him from my daily life…he is basically losing his daily life. Well, not losing it. He is trading it. Trading the freedom in of movement of being able to jump into his car and drive anywhere he wants for the restriction of life on a base, trading his own apartment including his bed and bathroom for a shared tent and communal facilities, trading home cooking for chow hall cuisine, and the list goes on. He is trading all this to do the job he has been training for. So, even though I may want to wallow about how much I am going to miss him, I don’t have the heart to. It would be extremely self-centered…okay, I lie…on occasion I wallow like a pig, but I keep it short.

To my surprise, I am also somewhat excited about him going to Afghanistan. I look forward to his emails describing his experiences there, the people, the sights. I look forward to his photos. And I would have to say, the thing I look forward to most, is meeting him all over again. After a year, he and I will both be completely different people and I look forward to the butterflies in my stomach upon seeing him again. Checking him over for new wrinkles, new scars, more gray hairs. To be re-introduced to that teasing twinkle in his eyes. Some ask how to keep the spice in a relationship: try a one year separation!

One day soon he will be getting on a plane that will be taking him to Afghanistan. Usually when someone you know is going to fly somewhere, you wish them a good flight. Somehow the flight doesn’t seem that important. Although, I will probably crack some joke along those lines, to make light of the situation. To make him laugh, to see that smile that I won’t see for so long, one last time.

I wonder what those last minutes of ours together will be like. Part of me will fight to pretend that this is like any other goodbye we have had up to now. I can pretend that in a few days, I will be seeing him again, and that way I won’t cry and turn into a basket case. But part of me will want to give the moment the honor it deserves. Acknowledge that I won’t be seeing this man for a long time, and yes, that this, without being morbid, is potentially the last time I see him. How do you convey in one goodbye so many messages: be safe, do a good job, I'm so unbelievably proud of you, I love you, I’ll miss you, I can’t wait to see you again, it has been an honor knowing you, and I will always cherish the time I have spent with you?

I hope to find the answer to that question soon.