Monday, April 24, 2006

Getting back into the groove

Last night I was supposed to take the train back to my place. I had decided to spend weekends with my boyfriend at his place, and study during the week in Cologne at the university. But last night, when it came close to leaving for the train station, I just didn’t want to leave. It was a combination of the wonderful weekend we had together, the gorgeous weather we had taken advantage of for having breakfast on his balcony and cocktails in the evening, and just this sense of the looming vacuum that I would have in my daily life in the next few days.

So I stayed, promising myself to go the next day (today). I immediately had some remorse and sense of guilt for not going, and potentially neglecting my exam preparation. So my boyfriend ordered me to start studying while he cooked us dinner.

I think I was angry with myself for jeopardizing my exam results, in exchange for a few extra hours with my boyfriend. Sometimes I feel like the house pet, who upon return of her beloved owner wants to go everywhere with them, for fear that they might soon again disappear.

But I am not a pet, I am my own person. And it is soooo difficult to readjust after this deployment. To find my sense of self again. Also we went from one extreme to the other: spending no time together, to spending weeks on end, almost cocooning ourselves. It’s as if I have waited so long for this moment to happen, for us to be back together again, that I want to bask in it as long as possible…however life goes on.

I guess it will take a little longer to get back into the groove of things.


Blogger Teresa said...

Think of it this way - you haven't lost yourself - you two are rediscovering the both of you together. That's a good thing. If you didn't have this urge to want to stay together right now - there would essentially be no relationship! Trust me on this one.

A great relationship starts with wanting to spend as much time together as is reasonably possible, of missing that person when you're apart. Without that, he'd be just a guy who is a friend that you like to go out with and have fun on occasion.

You already know you can survive on your own - you were doing that before you two met - and through the deployment you've been on your own too - there is little to recommend being alone except to prove you can do it.

So you know what it's like together and apart... you like together better - that's cause for celebration. *grin*

11:40 PM  
Blogger Olliebur said...

I know you don't know me- but I must say that some of the things you post relate well to many women... your feelings are very valid and understandable- You're so Happy your boyfriend is home, it's really nice to see that you haven't taken his reutrn for granted... life will return to normal, it's inevitable- but how lucky are the two of you to have each other and fully appreciate the moments you share- bask away!

6:15 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Ahh...I miss riding the trains and seeing the beautiful German countryside...

I think you shouldn't worry so much about finding a will find you. :)

12:00 AM  
Blogger Stacy Kaye said...

I have not been through a deployment but I honestly believe that part of becoming a couple is the joining together of two people and two lives. You will always be your individual self, but I have found that I have become one part of a whole as well. It's the uniqueness that we each bring to the relationship that makes us such a wonderful whole.

2:59 AM  
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4:17 AM  

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