Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Pity Party

A friend remarked to me a few days ago, well, in a week we'll be able to say the guys come home next month.

When I look at the counter, and see that there are approximately 58 more days until one year has gone by since my boyfriend left, and would usually mean the end of the deployment, it is hard to grasp.

It seems that the closer the finish line gets, the more it feels like a mirage. I am excited, but I am also tired, exhausted. I feel like I am in the last few miles of a marathon, but absolutely spent. And even though I have made it this far, I almost feel like I don't have the energy to complete the rest.

But I am literally sick and tired of it all. I'm sick and tired of the minimal level of communication. I am sick and tired of worrying about my boyfriend. I am sick and tired of having to put on the face of the supportive girlfriend, and trying to convince pitying people that a year apart from my boyfriend isn't as terrible as they think. I am sick and tired of being so optimistic to everyone, when inside I am constantly worrying. I am sick and tired of nodding in pretend agreement with people that "time flew by" this year. I am sick and tired of pretending to be this strong person, just so my boyfriend doesn't feel guilty or helpless. I am sick and tired of being frustrated. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Less than two months to go...

Update: There must be something in the air, because Erika has a similar post today.


Blogger StoicMom said...

This is the exact post I have been trying to come up with. I have wanted to write something this Christmas season about my son so far away and you just said exactly what I am feeling. Absence makes the heart grow madder.

Hang on...this too shall pass.

1:42 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

The people who pretend the year goes by quickly are people who have never lived through a deployment. It does not go by fast. You're right. The only thing that goes by fast are those fleeting moments where you aren't sick and tired of being sick and tired!

Finding positives in deployment are few and far between. But I am thankful for a very special friend that I met as a result. For if it weren't for this deployment, our paths never would have crossed...even if she does brag about her tan. :)

1:45 AM  
Blogger erika said...

It must be the point you reach when there's 2 months left. Your analogy of running a marathon is so dead on - I felt like I was having a difficult time getting across the point I was trying to make without sounding like I didn't want to support my soldier anymore, but after reading your post, it's nice to know that other people DO know exactly how I feel. :) Well, here we go! We're on the homestretch!

5:31 PM  
Blogger Army Wife said...

I too have done this....Christmas alone far too often.....

there is a great lesson in it, which seems very trite for me to bring up at this time. I know. However your perspective on time, and life,, and holidays will be so much bigger than those around you......I promise. I also promise this....you will appreciate every Christmas with him, with such joy and peace.....you will overjoyed...I promise...

5:58 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

I agree with Army Wife that this year will bring you more perspective than you ever thought possible. You'll appreciate everything you've gone through, and for me at least it's been a lasting appreciation.

I wrote a frustrated post in February when the main body of our brigade had returned but my husband had not. And Heidi Sims commented and told me to hang in there -- boy, was that a jolt of reality...

You're almost there. You have every right to feel grumpy and tired, but try to keep that perspective...it will help you make it the rest of the way.

10:40 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

What AWTM and Sarah said.

I can only say "me too" and they are right, perspective will help to keep you sane.

The two month slump, short timers disease, Hell, whatever you want to call it.

Deployments are hard and long and lonely. Talking about it doesn't mean that you aren't strong, and it doesn't mean that you don't care and it doesn't mean that you don't support your Soldiers - it only means that you are human and you miss and worry about the ones you love.

Hang in there ladies, you WILL get there.

11:05 PM  
Blogger dyzgoneby said...

You can count on me in that pity party with you.

However, mine is the opposite. I have 4 days left with him before he returnes to his home and leaves for deployment mid/end Jan. He will be gone about 14mths. With us living so far apart we figured it would be roughly 16 plus months until I see him again.

This is my first deployment with him (his 3rd trip to the Sandbox). I have so many fears and the fears he is expressing to me, it is hard to keep my strength up.

I have had too many pity parties for myself and know there will be a lot more to come. Thank God he doesn't know.

I look for strength from women like you and countless others for guidance.

4:52 PM  

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